Dearest Abbo,

How do you know when a relationship is over? I consider myself tough, and want to make the best of what we’ve done so far, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

Sincerely,

Wondering if it’s over

Dear Wondering,

    Thank you for writing in and asking this question. I’m going to talk a little bit about my own experience with this subject - as someone who stayed in an unhappy marriage for five years, I have some first-hand wisdom I’m happy to share. I’ll also link you to some great resources that therapists and counselors have created for people that are dealing with questions about ending a relationship. Lastly, please understand that this article will primarily focus on unhappy relationships, but not necessarily on abusive ones - if your partner is physically or sexually violent, or possessive, controlling, or threatening, please seek help using the resources I’ll drop below.

    So, Wondering, like I said, I’d like to share my own story in hopes that it might resonate with you and any of our readers going through this tough situation. When I got married, I was young (20 years old to be exact). I had just burnt out in a major way at college; I was living at home and unemployed when I met my future ex-husband. We had a quick romance, a month-long engagement, and like that — we were married. 

    My parents and many friends were hesitant about this quick and seemingly impulsive decision that I had made. But I was sure that I knew better —they just didn’t understand what we had together. The first two years or so were as good as could be expected. After all, we were still getting to know each other! 

    But as time passed, I realized that we were not as compatible as I had thought. For the sake of maintaining some semblance of his privacy, I won’t detail the many ways in which we were a terrible match, but suffice it to say, I was becoming miserable. We started arguing more frequently and more intensely. Our sex life took a nose dive, as it usually does in these situations. I found myself reading books, articles, anything I could find along the lines of “how to save your unhappy marriage.” We talked… and talked…. and talked some more. We both sought therapy as individuals. But nothing was going to fix the fact that we were not compatible for a long-term relationship. I think it was more a slow realization that our marriage could not and would not work, as opposed to one crystalline moment of clarity that it was time to call it quits. 

    I talked with my mom, I talked with my friends, I journaled and reflected, and I realized what I needed to do. Coming to grips with all this brought up feelings of shame and inadequacy for me. Was I a sucker for getting myself into this position in the first place? What was wrong with me, to get married to a guy I barely knew at the tender age of 20? I should’ve listened to everyone who told me it was a bad idea, “what an idiot I look like. “

    Maybe I’m just fundamentally broken, after all he loves me and would be happy to stay together forever. My parents sucked at marriage, and they passed on their “shitty at marriage” genes to me. These are the thoughts that went through my unconscious mind as I hemmed and hawed over the decision to get a divorce. Once I made that decision, I never looked back. At the time of this writing, as some of you may be aware, it was one of the best and healthiest decisions ever made.