DEAREST ABBO,
January 2020
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Dearest Abbo,
There’s come a standstill in my relationship where non-monogamy has come up multiple times. Can you help explain how your relationship has survived inviting other sex partners into the equation?
Sincerely,
Curious
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Dear Curious,
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I would describe myself as ethically non-monogamous, and I am currently in a committed open relationship.
I would also describe myself as a sexual opportunist (lol).
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My first serious relationship of any length was my marriage. Our relationship was unhealthy for many reasons, but one of them was certainly that our sex life was deeply unfulfilling for me. Towards the end of our relationship, when many things were really bad between us, we decided to “open things up“ in a bit of a last ditch effort to improve things.
It worked fine given the circumstances, but it was the dying cry of a terrible relationship and of course, we got divorced. One of the best decisions I ever made. My next serious relationship lasted around nine months - we started dating, and eventually had a discussion and decided to become “Serious“, a.k.a., monogamous.
I remain fairly ashamed of what happens next — one very late night, I drunkenly took a man home from the bar – we did not have sex but we cuddled, and it was 100% a breach of my current partners trust and an episode of cheating. I had never cheated before and I felt tremendous guilt, which I believe was warranted.
We broke shortly up after that for multiple reasons, including the fact that our sex drives were mismatched and the episode of cheating had shaken their trust in me.
I went through a single period and enjoyed myself, sleeping around and whatnot, reconnecting with friends on a new level, establishing my new single life, post-marriage and divorce. It was around this time a few months after my former partner and I have broken up that I met my current, beloved boyfriend.
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We are in a committed open relationship.
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For us, this means that we are each other‘s “primary partner“, that is to say, we do prioritize each other‘s needs over other sexual partners or special friends that we may have. In many ways our relationship has some trappings of a traditional monogamous heterosexual relationship – we spend a few days a week together at least, we plan on moving in together within the next year, and we have seriously discussed marriage and children down the road. Marriage and/or children I should say.
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That being said, we are both fully free to pursue sex, dates, and romance outside of our interactions. We allow ourselves and each other the discretion to determine what those relationships involve, and let the people know that we are seeing about our situation. There are no rules per se about what degree of intimacy we can have with these folks – but both of us feel that we don’t really have the bandwidth to be truly polyamorous, a.k.a., to engage in full, loving, committed relationships with multiple people in the romantic/sexual/intimate sense.
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We do let each other know when a new special person appears on the scene, and the degree of detail we share with each other varies based on the situation. I will say that I have never been happier or felt better about a relationship – I think this certainly speaks to the quality of my wonderful partner, and just the fact that we are a “good match,“ but beyond a shadow of a doubt, the fact that we are ethically non-monogamous has greatly affected my happiness in our relationship. I feel a degree of freedom to be myself, to seek out pleasure, to have one night stands if the opportunity arises and the mood is right, and to make connections where and when I see fit.
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Jealousy of course is a natural human emotion that I would say we both have pangs of here or there. But that being said, I also feel a tremendous sense of compersion when my partner is engaged in a new and exciting interaction with a special friend.
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As for him, he is happy, and he is happy that I am happy. He loves having a girlfriend who is sexually, romantically, and socially fulfilled. He identifies as an anarchist politically, and I as an Anarcho-Communist – and I do believe that these political views shape our approach to all of this. Of course I have discussed a sort of hierarchy – in which myself and him prioritize our relationship, to a certain extent, over our other interactions on this level. But I would say that both of us feel a strong aversion to the thought of controlling one another, or claiming ownership over the other person. We both are deeply committed to the idea that we are all free people, and that we do not wish to exert power or control over the other. Of course, that is not to say that monogamous people are somehow more oppressive or authoritarian than non-monogamous people – simply for the two of us, the sexual and romantic freedom that an open relationship affords us is personally enriching and satisfying.
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I do believe that whether through nature or nurture or some combination of the two, people probably tend towards either monogamy or non-monogamy. For me personally, I believe but this is the most healthy, natural, and joyful way that I know to engage in an intimate, romantic, and sexual relationship.
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Sincerely,
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Abbo
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Abby is a medical professional and a human living in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Dearest Abbo is a monthly advice column about sexuality and everything else.
Send your questions to perraneumagazine@gmail.com
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I do believe that whether through nature or nurture or some combination of the two, people probably tend towards either monogamy or non-monogamy.
back to jan. 2020 - breakfast
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